"Show me a place where hope is young "

These Caedmon's Call lyrics always stick out like the treasured spot of red on a bruised tomato. In whom do we place our hope? What does it mean to have a hope that is young? Have I become so quickly disillusioned?

The morning after I decided to halt any career opportunities and pursue the missions field, I awoke with a gnawing feeling in my stomach. Questions littered my mind and the fog that hovered over my heart kept me dry and distant from the people around me. All day I was battling my doubt, feeling like the last soldier standing on the field. Short of breath, dizzy with the stabs my parents' disapproval, and without a weapon. I wanted to retreat.

I had been reading a book at the time, "Peace Like a River" and one conversation struck me at the time;

"Where do you think you're going?" Dr. Nokes demanded. I think he feared the sickness had touched part of Dad's brain in charge of good sense. "What do you have for directions?" he asked.

And Dad, eyebrows raised in delight with his forthcoming answer, said, "I have the substance of things hoped for. I have the anticipation of things unseen."

What I needed was directions. The world was yelling at me to turn back, to rethink, and yet I knew that the Lord was calling me to follow Him. So I chewed on this little passage for a while that day, trying to recall where I had heard it before. Still weary from the spiritual battle ensuing inside, I sat down to fold laundry and catch up with my mother.

When I reached for one starched yellow t-shirt, I began to read the quote on the back: "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the anticipation of things unseen."

I dropped the shirt and exclaimed to my mother, "I just read this in a book this morning! Why can't I figure out where it is from?"

"Ashley," she said matter-of-factly "isn't that a Bible verse?"

It's amazing how the Lord arms us for battle. I expected a sword and was handed a slingshot. Yet, that was all I needed. Ephesians 6:17 commands us to "take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God". It may have seemed like a little battle to many of you, and truly this is one of many in my experiences, but the Lord literally gave me the word to use as a weapon.

As it turns out, there are battles to be fought, continually touching the celestial spheres, swords beating against the armor of the Lord, indestructible as it is.

the joys of computing

It's scary to admit how much I rely on my computer--a little black machine that processes information and allows me to see it on a screen. When mine wouldn't start up on Monday night I didn't know what to do. My worst fear had come to fruition; all of my contacts, appointments, communication, and resources locked away in a black box with no key. When did I begin building my life around such a luxury?

After a bad attitude, the gracious support of Betsy and a lot of consumer reports, I left Best Buy, new laptop in hand. Not only did I get a new laptop today, but I have also gained some much-needed insight. My priorities are skewed. I was consumed by my frustration and my fear of losing days of support raising. Paralyzed by my fears, I was unmotivated to do anything else. In this, my eyes were opened to facets of my life that I do not trust the Lord with, namely, raising support. God is bigger than a computer and the money that I am raising for the ministry is ultimately His work.

I saw this week that I haven't been relying on Him and I am truly afraid of what might happen if this trip is not realized. I am captivated by my worries and not living into the freedom that Christ provides. I have no reason to fear anything because I know that my security lies in Christ and I am only called into faith. Faith, for me today, means that I must put forth every effort toward developing ministry partners regardless of the outcome. I simply do not know what the outcome will be, but if I did, that wouldn't be faith!